i'm a god damn grease monkey, thank god i'm not in the infantry

geez, once again i find myself staring blankly into space, feeling empty. finding no reason to hang onto sanity any further. i feel so exposed so helpless again. i find that my protected space is compromised. i think i might want to go back to the army. at least there i have my space away from planes from all this nonsense about planes and going back to SIAEC. it's really draining me again. i really have no fight and no heart to carry on. i honestly want to go back to the army and just be another guy there. can i? i'm totally falling to pieces again. all i need is to have a little deprivation of rest and that's it i go kabonkers. i dun know how much more of this shit i can take before i snap again. but this time, it's like a silent one coming on. cos this time i have no need for goodbyes, no loose ends to tie up. instead, i have havoc to wreak and hell to plague before i leave, and that is if i do decide to.
i have no idea what else i have left to do. i just feel that i'm running out of steam and that my heart is going haywire. i need to break free if not i'm in serious shit.
dun know how much more i can take.......

well today had a lot of fun doing route marches in paya lebar, considering the god forsaken fact that i have to walk in on a daily basis, like from the hyundai showroom all the way up to the god damn training hangar inside air force school. today it had taken an extra twist. cos we walked from air force school all the way to the aeromedical centre only to find out that we had to go to the paya lebar medical centre which is like light years away in the other direction. not bad eh? and of course we got to wear that cum bucket they call a protective suit in the event of a chemical attack. in all honesty arh fuck it. it only prevents you from dying at an accelerated rate.
one thing that i have noticed of late, is that i still cannot find peace of mind despite the long time that has elapsed since the series of misforrunate events. to be honest i still can't sleep despite having a full day of training. i still can't clear my mind of evil thoughts (not perverted, evil as in really evil) the sight of cute animals turns on the happy tree friends mentality in my head. and oh yeah i'm also running broke. geez how fun is that?
i now finally understand why a history of mental illness is quite an issue these days. cos like a cancer or some form of veneral disease, once you get it and no matter how long it takes or how hard you try, you are never fully recovered from it. i kinda learned this the hard way.
over the last couple of months only then did i realise how bad it was. for one i can feel no sympathy for the plight of others. i take joy in seeing people suffer. i am a loner nowadays. i used to be extroverted, now i am severely introverted. i'm like hiding in my shell. i feel so hollow so empty. it's been so long, how come i'm not back to normal? will i ever get back to being normal? i know that these events would leave me scarred, but would it leave me totally deformed emotionally/mentally? and well of course my attitude to family has taken on a climax. i have no heart, i can't be bothered with the well being of those who call themselves family to me. to be honest if anyone of them was to die tomorrow or something like that, i would not cry a single tear. if harm was to befall anyone of them i would also not care, even if it happens in front of me.
this is a far cry from what i used to be like, when it pained me like hell to see any of them get hurt or to do stupid things. is it such that i had to empty my heart in order to fill my brain? i honestly don't know anymore all i know is that i'm not human, and that i'm not cured yet. this is extremely frustrating,
oh well from this frustration, something good has come out of it, for one i'm running like a maniac, i think i might be able to hit the 10 minute mark for my 2.4km run on wednesday. i'm thinking that if i can push it i'm going to go for gold and if i do i think i'll piss off a lot of ppl heh heh.

well i stopped going to church for a while now, but i don't feel bad at all. it's like i dun feel anything missing or that something isn't right. my life is like so going on the way it used to, just that i'm not going to church.
wow it's like a new freedom for me. i can like wash the car now, i got like an extra hour and a half to do my own thing. and oh yeah i'm posted to the air force as a cheap labour grease monkey or air force technician in short. apparently they are going to train me as a FLC flight line crew and it's going to be interesting, cos they say that i would get promoted to CPL in like six weeks if i pass my ippt. so quoting the sergeant on our very first day in air force school , "for those of you who wanted to go to OCS, sorry no such luck here. for those of you who wanted to go to SISPEC, hey look you're getting your 3SG. for those of you who wanted to chao keng, you lucky bastards, welcome to the air force."
of course as with every thing else aviation related in my life, i decided not to tell my father that i was posted as a techie. instead i told him that i was posted to AFS as a clerk. i guess this is among one of the easiest ways of just preventing him from saying or doing anything that would upset me seriously so.... yeah i guess it's a step in the right direction. of course i'm going to have to talk to SIAEC about how i can use this opportunity to clean up their fucking screw up but oh well shit happens and it's all about finding and exploiting the opportune moment.

infantry song:

we are the bedrock of our army
wanting to keep our people free
commited to the independence of our nation
we are the men from the infantry
there will never be a mountain too high
or a route too tough for us
we are about to rule the day
and on the darkest night
we'll never rest till the wrong is right

we are a special breed of soldiers
raised to guard our nations shores
we base our lives upon a set of seven values
to protect our nation's shores
and when our 0by her side
we'll protect the lives of every singaporean
for singapore we'll give our lives

over land air and sea
we'll strike our enemies
they have called up the king of the battlefield.... oohhh
we are brothers in arms
we are brothers proud to be
we are the first the one and only infantry

well here's my rendition of the song, it's about gary my platoon mate in BMT

gary song

he is the slacker of our company
he is leonard hoon's buddy
commited to screwing up the whole damn platoon
he is section 1's gary
every thing for him is too hard
and he makes life tough for us
he always sleeps all through the day
and is on the phone at night
there is nothing he does right

he's a special breed of soldier
who'll abandon our nation's shores
we can barely tell if he has any damn values
he behaves like a damn wild boar
and when we call for a smoking break
he'll be there right by our side
he is a pretty screwed up singaporean
only for smokes he'll be on time

over land air and sea
we'll find and we'll whack gary
we have called him the king of chao keng.... ooohhh
he's a bloody fucking bum
suffers from anxiety
he's the first the one and only.... gary

then of course there is the air force version

air force tech song:

we got posted out from the army
but we're still paid $350
commited to the maintenance of expensive aircraft
heck we still get our 3SG
there will never be another route march
or SOC to torture us
we are the flight crews in the day
and on the darkest night
we all know NS is a waste of time

we are a special breed of soldier
boy we'd wish they'd pay us more
we now have to follow nine core values
our AOP is a fucking bore
and when our country says she needs us
we have to be right by her side
thank god we are in the damn air force
at least it's 8 to 5

over land air and sea
we'll strike our enemies
thank god we only run on the airfield.... ooohhh
we are brothers in arms
we are god damn grease monkeys
thank god we aren't
in the damn infantry.......

well i kinda had a little tiff with dad just now.
he passed to me my graduation package from the mail. and yeah i kinda read it for like 30 seconds and started to tear it into shreds and into the garbage it went. yeah he kinda flipped and stuff, i just told him that i'm not going that's it. geez if only he knew what it was totally about. he won't understand, and i ain't gonna bother. life sucks now doesn't it? kena pang seh for dinner today (at least saved money) and yeah when i bothered to wear my good levi's jeans, they make me scrub the fucking filthy kitchen tables. congrats eh? well i'm knocking off now, life sucks i want to sleep it off.

well an update of what has been making my life's headlines, mostly misery, but fuck it yeah?

oh yeah i managed to hit my 1185 unbeaten streak on freecell :P:P:P

initial D update

RX-8 lvl 26 liaoz whoopee

akagi ddh 2'22'9xx
akina duh 3'10'4xx
akagi duh 2'29'8xx
akina ddh 3'02'6xx
tsuch dob 2'41'0xx
iro ddh 3'00'2xx

not bad lah, almost reaching the timings that i intend to reach, all i need to do is to learn how to TST and that's it, i have reached a level unheard of :P

DJ Valium - Doin' it Again

Listen to the sound of my lonely voice
Don't turn around. You've got no choice
Think about the past and how you're leaving me
Day by day, why don't you see
Remember what we did when we first met
Happy station in the morning
Are the things you've said
Only memories I left always by my side
How I need a different place, a place to hide

If I could turn back all the hands of time
It would get better if you'd still be mine
'Cause all I know since you were nine or ten
Is how I feel so we should doin' it again
I wanna be with you. I wanna be with you

Flying high try to say goodbye
A neverending story even if I cry
Everything reminds me when I'm lying in my bed
What should I do, I feel so sad
It's like a shadow of an endless night
And it really seems to be that there's no spark of light
All these little things will never be the same
Late at night I scream your name

Only love can feel this way
'Cause only love can brighten your day

well here i am near canteen 1 blogging again. the past week has been a killer ride with emotions running me down time and time and time again. in my previous post, i begged her to let go and true enough she did. after 6 hours, she succumbed to god's will and now she's with him in peace. god bless her heart. the only problem i faced, was that in this case the death went way too fast and all the events never allowed me time to really get down to grieving/mourning over the loss.
i had exams throughout the week, and it's a case of lack of study time and dealing with the funeral and stuff. didn't really put in what i should have into the common tests, well for me anything above 80% and for DDACP anything above a pass would do just fine.
but to have exams and the funeral and prayers all happening at the same time. i dun really think that i have found the time to get over all these issues. it's emotionally very draining. well, i kept to my word though, i stayed away from the bottle (to solve my problems) for a whole week now. and well things are fine, though now instant chemical relief comes in the form of smoking and stuff. yeah fucked up, but at least ciggies dun mess me up totally. yeah i just need to take things easy for a while, hmm maybe start finding all of my cards again and head back for the ID machine just to ease up my mind. let me focus on some things. well i'm going to give it a shot, now i've got my SDC class coming up. hmm i'll do part 2 in class if i find him very boring.

over this past weekend, i almost lost everything. i had lost my sanity, i had lost my dignity, i had succumbed to circumstances, pressure and depression.
There are four stages of stress as stated in the human factor error management module:

stage 1 - denial
stage 2 - seek fast relief (alcohol,drugs, stimulants, blah blah blah)
stage 3 - take it out on others
stage 4 - seek proper help

well i went through all four stages at one go this weekend. first i was in denial that we had a real serious problem with the scabies. it was freaking scary. then i had the recall message, and well that was it right? i had to go home, start the treatment and prevent others from getting hurt from my problem. the only thing that kept me from feeling that much guilt, was the fact that vincent had passed the damn thing to me and fuck man that disgusting unhygienic swine did just that. as a result? i lost my new year weekend, i lost one good day for studying (which i really needed and planned for).

after going home to start the treatment (skipped lunch and all), i called dani and told her. due to the severity of the problem, we would have to cancel our plans for saturday evening. so after lunch, i drank myself to a nap to ease the problem (stage 2 has begun). no food, bad sleep, anger and frustration set in. hence the msn nick 24 hours without food and alcohol. despite this, i surprisingly could find the strength to really piah and study like hell. dammit after all this while only now then the gears start to engage and really kick in full time. so there i was in bernie's room studying, consumed by my anger and depression and really studying. all this while no food, no drink (except alcohol) went into me. i was stewing in my anger and frustration. when they left to watch narnia, i didn't go and i didnt' want to faint while i was doing my work (that would really fuck things up). so i and aunty leela prepared a very nice lunch with which i had a few good drinks. took a nap later on. woke up and back to work i went. didn't have much of a good dinner though.

afer that things really started to fall apart. i openly voiced my frustration to mom. told her what a fuckhead vincent was, all that crap that he did that led to us paying for his fucked up ness. and i told her how i really feel. it's his fault that we have had an itch problem. if not how would we have gotten it from grandma? we take real good care of her and our personal hygiene. except for him. messing around in his own pathetic world.

in this case i would use dad's approach on dealing with him. if you kena, you suay, i will offer compassion and help (even though i dun like you), you dun listen you still kena (less compassion), you dun listen then i get fucked (help is gone, no compassion), i get fucked and in the process ppl whom i love and care for can get fucked as a result (you are lucky murder carries the death sentence here in singapore). and that is exactly what i did. i'm not proud of it, but fuck if similar circumstances occur again i WILL do it again the exact same way, i won't kill you, but i will make sure you wish that i did.
let's face it, ok he might not get it. but who the fuck cares? follow the above mentioned rules and voila.
i mean even the courts in singapore dun hang retarded ppl, but they sure as hell send them to jail. just because he doesn't get it does not give him the right to carry on about his wanton stupidity and let it affect us. yes new year's eve was a totally messed up occasion. of course later on came stage 3, taking it out on others. the fucker didn't want to bathe, by then i snapped, went to kitched to find knife, cannot find it? go for scissors and threatened the little fuck to go get cleaned up. then of course he not happy go run to dad, i get fucked pretty bad. almost got into a fight with him there, mom's eyes pleading with me not to start anything. shit i was pissed, and i didnt' want to back down. god damn this temper of mine.

danielle called me late, by then i was already gone, screwed up logic took hold. scary part of the whole thing, was that by my standards, i was thinking straight, only in a very different direction. i was angry at the whole world, angry at her, murderous with dad and vincent, and angry at myself. i was pushed into a corner, things around me seemed to be falling apart. i was in control, yet not in control. this is like so driving me nutz. after her call, i felt worse, and yeah i finished up whatever manuka honey vodka i nicked from christmas about (200-300ml) worth. combined with depression and exhaustion, i managed to get some fitful and restless sleep. slightly prior to that i had thoughts of breaking up with dani. i dun know why, but it was pieced together to form a real coherent thought. it was damn fucking scary.

woke up on sunday, while getting ready for church, i started to formulate how i was planning on ending the relationship (i can't believe that i like wanted it). i messaged her asking her to meet me that evening. the whole while, i was preparing for the breakup, the previous night's events flashing through my mind, the OCS ball, the day i found out she was with another guy. it fuelled me. i was confused, yet focused. by the time i reached church, i was like getting ready to ask god to give me the strength to do something that stupid. instead during mass, i asked god for the strength to overcome such a series of fucked up thoughts. toward the end of mass, i was feeling a load better, but still had a little of that lingering feeling, but now i could see a little clearer. the whole afternoon, i spent mugging on AFPS. all that while i was still considering what to do with regard to the evening. i felt guilty for even thinking that way. i'm scared. i'm hurt. i became a monster. i fell and became consumed by my hate.
what really made the start of the evening awkward, was the fact that normally when she would come into the car, we'd kiss and i'd be smiling with real joy. but it didn't happen that way. it was a stiff air in jazz. it felt like fuck. i wanted to let her know what happened, let her hate me for it, and get it out of my system. well at toa payoh just before dinner i just did.
beginning of stage 4 - seeking real good help
it felt like a real good fart. cleared the system, cried. let all those bad feelings leave me. fell in love again. she told me that she wouldn't let me go that easily. at least i now know. if this relationship had a weak spot, i knew where it is now, but in other more important ways, it has been strengthened. of course the rest of the evening went on by pretty good (shalt not elaborate)

earlier this morning, it seems that mama is slowly slipping into a coma. all i have to say to her is that dun need to hang on anymore please don't. it's not fair to you, not fair to us. we're kinda grown up. i can take care of myself, i'm a man, dad's doing fine. mom's a little messed up(isn't she always?), the rest of us have benefited from your care. but this is something i ask from you. if you're lonely, not in control of yourself, if you do not have any dignity, let go please. i can't bear to see you like this. you used to help me out of my shitholes when i was just a little boy. at least i could grow out of it, but now you are decaying into that kind of a mess. if you're holding on because of us. please don't, it's not worth it. i love you a lot, i dun want to let you go, but if this is the price of that love. it's not worth it at all. you've been through enough, and i dun want to let you go through anymore. i love you mama. please let go, it's not worth it.

now here i am a mere 2 hours before my APS paper. i know my work well, i can mug properly. my mind is made up and linked quite well. the hyped up feeling is there, i'm raring and ready to go. gambatte XP4.
now there is a reason why XP4 doesn't smile anymore.

well i finally snapped. yeps, chased vincent around with a pair of scissors, so that he can go have his bath. well XP4 was finally released from his cage. didn't help that i had a good meal and loads of alcohol. got fucked by dad pretty bad for doing that. geez if only he knew. but as usual he didn't. branded me a monster. an arrogant, self centred, petty monster. jesus christ if mom wasn't there i think i would have fought (literally) with the old man. her eyes pleaded with me not to say anything to him and to really egg him on. though the thought was very tempting. i'm royally pissed off at the whole debacle. but not say that i am proud of what i did to vincent. but fuck it man. in my eyes, he was no more than a piece of shit.
he infected me with scabies for fucking out loud. if the grandmother had it, shit. but he was the unhygienic pig that spread it to nigel and me. we had an itch for quite a while, just that we thought that it was a heat rash. apparently not. to me i am damn worried that i might have hurt danielle, and all the other guys in the process. my small fight.
i am tired sad, in tears right now at the hopelessness of my situation. i may have gotten something infectious that might hurt those whom i really care about (no not my family). my heart hurts and is very heavy. i tried to clear everything for this weekend (i need my stress release).
aircraft compressor basics here ladies and gentlemen:
~stall/surge of engine is caused by compressor
~may result in severe damage to engine or in flight failure
~one of the causes is running the thing too hard
~another thing is running the compressor at too high a pressure

well a human being is kinda like that, i've been mugging all week and i need a break and some form of release. he stole it away from me with his fucked up antics. vincent, geez and to think that a harmless retard like him can make me feel this way about myself. i'm emotionally drained and physically exhausted.
i feel like shit to be damn honest. friday to saturday, i went 24 hours without food and only drank alcohol to sedate me from hurting him. geez, what a helper eh? it messes me up completely. the real fucked up part about this is that danielle is out partying with her friends and here i am miserable, lonely and fucked up staying at home, getting into a fight with dad, and yeah putting myself through all that crap. i'm in pain lah. i'm damn tired and damn fucking pissed off.

but should i give in to my selfishness? still go out with dani? get her hurt in the process? i dun think that i can live with that either. so here i am, on new year's day blogging about how fucked up a day i had. geez, can't life get any worse? all of this crap isn't helping me one bit. feeling lonely and sad, unloved and hopeless. i dun think i can try that crap again. it's tiring me out. it's really getting to me.

the only thing that dad said that had a point somewhat, was what i do when i'm backed into a corner. it is how i react that makes me who i truly am. well if that's the case i am a monster. i was backed into a corner by real shit circumstances, and exhaustion, look what it has made me turn into.
but given the circumstances, i do not know whether or not that is a fair assessment of a person. i was branded a monster, with no compassion. well fyfi (for your fucking info), i have compassion for those who a sia suay, i'm not that heartless. however i do have a hard spot for ppl who get themselves into shit and yeah come running to me for help , but still not so bad lah (i won't help or offer compassion as readily as compared to those who really sia suay). but for those who had it coming to them, and i warned them about things and tried to get them to change so that it won't hurt nobody and that fucker hurts me and makes me hurt those that i care about. fucking hell, i dun care if you are my own brother, i'll go out of my way and fuck your life up so bad you'll wish you were dead. i'll break you. stupid fucking shits

irresponsible, if there is one word to describe vincent. he did all that shit, and got me and nigel and bernie hurt first. then of course there is the second round of all the nonsense, we can spread the problem to others that we love and care about, without realizing it. the only reason why i stopped short of hurting the little fuck like hell, was because he's my mildly autistic and fucked up in the head brother. that's why i didn't physically hurt him. i dun care if it is anybody else's fault or not or it's circumstances, all i know is that the fucker gave it to me, despite the many many many warnings that we gave to him, he refuses to listen. acts like the victim in front of dad and i get fucked over for reacting this way.